Right, now where was I?

It's been a very long time since my last post on this blog.  In fact, I only realised how long in our local Sainsbury's last Saturday.  I overheard two men discussing a third party:

Thrift Shop is currently their best-known track in the UK, and the one that brought them to my attention.  How can you not love a song which starts with the hilarious swagger of:

The weather's been terrible this week.  Unfortunately, so has the use of English by one of the BBC weathermen.

Advertising isn't the best environment in which to retain a moral compass, it has to be said.  It's very easy to allow yourself to be persuaded to take on assignments you really shouldn't.

For ages, I've been meaning to compile a list of pop songs containing bad grammar.  There's no shortage of them, after all - or perhaps I should say there ain't no shortage.

I nearly spat my mouthful of tea over the floor the other evening when I heard the endline of the new Plenty kitchen towels commercial.  (If repeated nationwide, this effect could substantially increase the use of Plenty to mop up the mess, so perhaps it's a particularly effective ad.)

Many years ago, I wrote an ad for Epson printers which featured loads of funny misprints from newspapers and magazines.  (It's on the 'Positively Prehistoric' page of my advertising work on this site if you want to look for it.)

Some linguistic errors, of course, can be caused by ignorance rather than by accident.  Some people can find this irritating; this chap, however, is absolutely infuriated:

It's not just about the words you use; it's about where you position them.

I found out when reading the Guardian today that the professional body of doctors who carry out breast enlargement procedures is called the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons.

It's almost two years now since I was first prescribed reading glasses.  I think it may be time for me to go back to the optician's and get my eyes tested again.

...always check your speling.

Our five-year-old son's use of English is coming on in leaps and bounds.  A couple of weeks ago, I overheard him talking to his sister and beginning a sentence with: 'Suffice to say, Emily,...'  He's also described his new winter coat as 'most accommodating'.

An exchange with my seven-year-old daughter this week:

I've always found that swearing loudly makes me feel better when something painful happens.  (Stubbing my toe on the bedpost, Norwich conceding a last-minute goal, that sort of thing.)

Ah, I do like a good misheard song lyric - or a 'mondegreen' as it's sometimes called.

I'm old enough to remember the days before dyslexia and ADHD when schoolkids were simply thick or naughty.  (I'm not saying I agree with that; it's just the way it was back then.)

Lexicographers at Collins Dictionary have just released a list of words they have deemed to be extinct and which they intend to drop from their smaller dictionaries.

It's not long now until our holiday in France, so I've been trying to breathe some life into my dormant French.  As part of my preparations, I've been dipping into the rather absorbing Collins Easy Learning French Idioms.

It's a compilation of expressions which offer a fresh and different way of looking at life - and in some cases, death.  Well, I say 'fresh'; for all I know, they may be considered hackneyed in France, but most of them are new to me.

A few of my favourites:

Revenons à nos moutons! (lit: Let us return to our sheep) = Let's get back to the subject

Arriver dans un fauteuil (lit: To arrive in an armchair) = To win easily

Etre soupe au lait (lit: To be milk soup) = To have a short temper, to flare up quickly

Se mettre sur son trente et un (lit: To put oneself on one's 31) = To get dressed up to the nines

Manger les pissenlits par la racine (lit: To eat dandelions by the root) = To push up daisies

My wife is sceptical to say the least that my efforts will be of any practical use in France.  She thinks that I'm wasting my time - or as the French would say, que je peigne la girafe.

At the Ledbury Poetry Festival earlier this month, poets were invited to name the words and phrases which, in their opinion, have become annoyingly empty clichés.

The Guardian listed some of their responses, which included: 'Thinking outside the box'; 'Devastated'; 'Awesome'; 'Literally'; and 'LMAO'.

Obviously I wasn't asked, but the meaningless phrase which has got on my nerves lately is 'in/for a generation'.

It seems that leading politicians are now incapable of making a statement without working it in somewhere.  A few recent examples will suffice to make the point:

David Cameron on the Budget: "the most pro-growth budget this government, this country has seen for a generation".

On the drought in East Africa: "What we are seeing today is the most catastrophic situation in that region for a generation."

Nick Clegg on the AV referendum: "Change in the way we do our politics comes along once in a generation."

On the phone hacking scandal: "I think that we now have a once-in-a-generation opportunity to really clean up the murky practices."

Ed Miliband on the reform of care for the elderly: "This is a once-in-a-generation opportunity which our generation must address."

On the challenge facing Labour: "To go from losing a majority at one election to regaining a majority at the next is something that no political party has achieved for a generation."

Really, the words 'a generation' are just a fancy way of saying 'ages'.

I still remember a comprehension exercise I did at school when I was 11.  One of the questions following a passage of text asked why a character had used a particular word.  I can't recall the word, but my answer was along the lines that the character thought it was long and impressive, and he would sound sophisticated and intelligent if he used it.

The answer was marked wrong, but I still think I was right.  And I think that these politicians - and some political commentators - persist in using 'a generation' for the same reason.

This blog is supposed to be about words rather than pictures.  But since this is definitely a case of a picture painting a thousand words, I'm posting it anyway.

It's a portrait of me, drawn by our four-year-old son Harry this week.  General consensus in the house is that it's captured my disposition perfectly...

Mr Sunshine, c'est moi.

Apparently, the Oxford English Dictionary has included the acronyms OMG, LOL, TMI, BFF and IMHO in its latest update.

FFS.

Osama Bin Laden was killed this week, and already the conspiracy theories have started.

Not just about whether he's really dead (since his body was quickly buried at sea and the US government has refused to release photographs of his corpse), but about whether this caption on Fox40 News in Sacramento - a Fox News affiliate - was deliberate or just a typo:

There's an interesting article in the Guardian today about the Urban Dictionary.  I've stumbled across the site now and again, but hadn't realised how large it is; while the Oxford English Dictionary has around 600,000 entries, the Urban Dictionary has 5.7million.

A lot of the entries are simply made up - frequently by youngsters having a laugh, frequently at the expense of people they know - but there is plenty of cleverness and inventiveness in evidence.  Here are some of my favourites on the site:

Store d'oeuvres - free food samples given out by supermarket staff

Treebook - a book made of paper; a predecessor to the ebook

Buysexual - someone who derives sexual pleasure from the act of shopping

Googleheimer's -  the condition of thinking of something you want to Google, then forgetting about it when you get to your computer

Shelf esteem - confidence derived from a collection of self-help books

Beardo - a weirdo with a beard

They're enough to give logophiliacs a neologasm.

For ages now, my wife has been expressing the view that Fabio Capello can't possibly be able to deal effectively with the national football squad since his English still isn't great.  It's only relatively recently (well, since England's dismal showing in last year's World Cup) that the opinion has been more widely expressed.

Capello felt obliged to defend himself against the charge again this week - and in doing so, made the surprising claim that only 100 words were needed to get his messages across to the team.

It reminded me of an old football joke:

The day after signing a new striker from a foreign country, the manager assembles the first team on the training ground.  He holds up a ball, points towards the goal and repeats slowly: 'Ball - kick - goal.  Ball - kick - goal.'  Eventually one of the players raises a hand.

'Gaffer,' he says, 'actually Goran can speak really good English.'

'This isn't for Goran's benefit,' replies the boss.  'It's for the rest of you bloody lot.'

But does Capello's argument hold water?  I've had a go at identifying the hundred words which he could use to manage the England team...

Actually, those might well be enough.

Once again, proof of the selling power of words.

Some time ago, I mentioned an ad on eBay for a pair of leather trousers which attracted an extraordinary amount of attention because it was written in a very funny way.

A similar thing has just happened again.  This ad for a secondhand wetsuit has, at the time of writing, received over 650,000 hits - and the winning bid was an astonishing £8,999.  (In the end, the wetsuit came with a large number of extra items provided by companies who heard about the ad and wanted to get involved.)

Since ads on eBay don't stick around for too long after the auction has closed, I've copied and pasted the main text below.  It's a great lesson in how to engage and entertain your audience while talking about your product; if I were a creative director at an ad agency, I'd be trying to get in touch with the author to offer him a job.  Read and enjoy...

________________________________________________________________

I bought this wetsuit brand-new last year and have worn it a fair bit. When I say 'fair' I reckon about 20 times, but then probably more like 30.  A fair few times anyway. HOWEVER you will like this, If it was not being worn, it was hung on a hangar or rolled to prevent creasing AND I rinsed it in fresh water after EVERY session so it's in VERY good condition as I look after my gear, I always do, similarly I take care of my body and shower at least once a day and always moisturise. Yes you're probably getting a feel for the kind of man I am. You can see from the pictures it has no creases and looks lovely.  My friend Gaz has got a wetsuit that he doesn't look after and it looks like an Elephant's arse, all wrinkled, a bit like an old man's testicle. You're probably thinking "People p*ss in wetsuits, I'm not sure about a secondhand wetsuit", but believe it or not I have NEVER urinated in this suit, seriously, these suits are too good to be doing such a vulgar act in, the wee just ends up staying in the suit and then when you're sat having a post-surf pint in the pub you smell awful and girls don't like boys that smell of p*ss  so you just sit there, alone all night, sobbing into your pint of Betty Stoggs like a lonely desperate p*ss smelling man.                                           I've included a picture of a bear using a urinal, this is how I normally use the toilet, notice that the animal is not wearing a wetsuit.  Although I am not a bear, I, like a bear, do not p*ss in wetsuits. It's a size medium or "m", it was the top of the range suit when I bought it I think I paid  around £300 for it, still a great warm suit that will make you surf  at least 200% better. It won't really but it will keep you warm and it's flexible  so you'll be able to throw your arms around like Beyonce whilst you're bouncing  along a wave. People will look at you and say "f*ckin hell check that dude out,  he knows what he's doing wearing one of those Xcel suits and he's got some  fresh dance moves".  They probably won't say this.   Now as it's been worn, there's some signs of wear around the neck, which I've  taken pictures of, so you don't say "oi you c*nt, there's area of wear around the  neck I'm giving you bad feedback". The pictures make it look worse than it is  (because they're close-ups), and I've taken the pictures with the suit turned inside  out, when it's the right way round you don't see the wear and it has no effect on  the performance of the suit. That was a bit boring wasn't it, but it had to be done  so you can't take me to eBay court for not being honest with you.   Why am I selling it? Well I've just bought a new one, as I'm a flash tw*t like that,  I tend to get a new suit every season, I just like the feel of fresh neoprene on my  soft skin, and well to be honest I could do with some cash to pay for prostitutes.   No, that was a joke, now you're going to think the suit is riddled with disease but  it's not as I was joking I do NOT engage with ladies of the night. I'll post it out the next working day following cleared payment, or if you're  around the Truro area you can come and collect it thus avoiding postage charges.   Having said that, if you're a maniac, maybe you should just let me post it to you  as I don't want to be murdered to death, especially as the summer is just  beginning!  WOO HOO. Any questions just ask, I'll answer them very quickly as I'm sat at a computer all  f*cking day, unless there's waves. Thanks for looking and reading all of that ridiculous text, I hope you have a wonderful day. _______________________________________________________________

Oh, and the author's set up a follow-up website: www.bearsdontwearwetsuits.com

Since I don't have a problem with my hearing (my wife may disagree, though it's actually a failure to listen that annoys her), I've never had occasion to turn on the subtitles when watching TV.  However, it turns out that I've been missing out on a constant stream of amusing linguistic slips.

This came to light this week when the Guardian ran a piece about a subtitle which appeared on BBC Breakfast.  A reporter on a farm told the studio that 'pigs love to nibble anything that comes into the shed, like our wellies' - but the words on screen said... oh, see for yourself:

(Picture: BBC)

A quick search revealed that the writer of the Guardian article, Charlie Swinbourne, wrote about subtitle slips for the BBC website in November 2008.  You'll find some more great examples there, such as the players and staff of Arsenal and Man Utd marking the fact that the following day was Remembrance Sunday:

And while I knew US presidential candidate John McCain was old, I hadn't realised he was that old:

As for Engelbert Humperdinck...

If you check out the article, don't forget to take a look at the comments attached to it to see what the Archbishop of Canterbury was once called...